


The Last Will and Temperament of Ruby Schnee

by DrGairyuki



Category: RWBY
Genre: Comedy, Dark Comedy, F/F, F/M, Gallows Humor, Gen, Humor, Humorous Ending, Inspired by..., Last Will and Temperament, Parody, Sketches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 14:46:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14404335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrGairyuki/pseuds/DrGairyuki
Summary: Ages;Ruby: middle 60s *dead*Lie: late 60s, but he's like Hideo KojimaYang: late 60sBlake: late 60sQrow: early 90sYin: Early 20sPenny: She's a robot, what did you expect?





	The Last Will and Temperament of Ruby Schnee

**Author's Note:**

> Ages;  
> Ruby: middle 60s *dead*  
> Lie: late 60s, but he's like Hideo Kojima  
> Yang: late 60s  
> Blake: late 60s  
> Qrow: early 90s  
> Yin: Early 20s  
> Penny: She's a robot, what did you expect?

Ren: As the executor of Ms. Ruby Schnee's estate, I have been empowered to read Ms. Ruby Schnee's last will and testament.

Qrow: *holding his flask* Well, get on with it, the bars open soon. *drink from it*

Yang: Oh, poor, dear Ruby! *Wailed in sadness*

Blake: *comfort her wife* Oh, there, there, Yang.

Yin: Oum, how predictable boring.

Penny: I never worked for a kinder friend.

Ren: If we are all seated, I shall start with the reading.

Yin: I knew it.

Qrow: Heh heh heh heh *chuckle with a smirk on his face*

Ren: "I, Ruby Schnee, being of sound, mind, and body..."

Qrow: That's a laugh! *laughs as he resume drinking his flask*

Ren: "...do hereby divide up the my considerable estate that I inheritance from my decreased girlfriend, Weiss Schnee, as follows. To my overly emotional older half-sister, Yang Xiao Long Belladonna..."

Yang: *Cried in sadness* WAAA!

Blake: Yang, darling, Ren's talking about us.

Yang: *then immediately stop crying* Oh.

Ren: "...who grubbed with her wife, Blake Belladonna Xiao Long, grubbed for everything they could get from me of the money from my decreased girlfriend, and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy..."

Yang: *shocked expression on her & her wife* What?

Ren: "To Yang, I leave... a boot to the head."

Yang: *shocked* A what!? *BONK* *get hit on the head by a boot* Ow!

Blake: *worried* Yang, are you okay?

Ren: "...and another boot to the head to her emo wife, Blake."

Blake: *BONK* *get hit on the head by a boot* Ow!

Qrow: *Laughs at this* Hahahahahaha...

Yang: *looked angry* This is an outrage!

Ren: "...ah, but still, you're my sister, you both have respected me of not speaking ill of Weiss and admired my red Pegassi Torero, and since I no longer need it..."

Yang: *happy* Oh, dear Ruby, she's too kind!

Blake: *smiled* Yes.

Ren: "...I bequeath another boot to the head."

Yang: *shocked* What? *BONK* *get hit on the head by a boot* Ow!

Qrow: *Laughs at this* Hahahahahaha...

Ren: "And one more for the emo."

Blake: *BONK* *get hit on the head by a boot* Ow!

Ren: "Next, to my alocholic uncle..."

Qrow: *realized what's going to happen and looked terrified* Hey, I don't want a boot to the head! *quickly drink his flask*

Ren: "...to Uncle Qrow Branwen, who somehow accidentally insulted Weiss by calling her Ice Queen in his remaining drunken life..."

Qrow: *covering his head* I'm coverin' up my head!

Ren: "... I leave my wine cellar and 3 crates of Weiss' mother's finest whiskey."

Qrow: *look hopeful* ...Really?

Ren: "And a boot to the head."

Qrow: *BONK* *get hit on the head by a boot* Oh!

Ren: "And another for Yang and the emo."

Yang: *BONK* *get hit on the head by a boot* Oh!

Blake: *BONK* *get hit on the head by a boot* Ow!

Ren: "Next, to my know-it-all niece, Yin Belladonna Xiao Long..."

Yin: This is so predictable...

Ren: ...I leave a boot to the head."

Yin: *BONK* *get hit on the head by a boot* Ugh! I knew it.

Ren: "And one for Yang and the emo."

Yang: *BONK* *get hit on the head by a boot* Ah!

Blake: *BONK* *get hit on the head by a boot* OH!

Ren: "This take care of family obligation for now. And now, to Ms. Penny Polendina..."

Penny: *Gave an terrified "O_o!" when she realized she's next* Oh, uh, I don't want nothin'. *sweatdrop*

Ren: "...who took care of me faithfully these many, many, many years after the death of my girfriend Weiss, who cared, made me laugh a bit, and brought me chocolate-chips cookies..."

Penny: *smiled* Oh, I don't mind.  
Ren: "To Ms. Penny Polendina, I bequeath a boot to the head."

Penny: *BONK* *get hit on the head by a boot* OH!

Ren: "And one for Yang and the emo."

Yang: *BONK* *get hit on the head by a boot* Ah!

Blake: *BONK* *get hit on the head by a boot* OH!

Ren: "And so, to my biological daughter, Aygül Schnee, I, one of your mother, Ruby Schnee, leave my estate to you, I divest the complete control of the Remnant Dust Trade Company (RDTC), formly known as the Schnee Dust Company (SDC), to you, and to the layout, brain-defective sons of Whitley L. Schnee, Jared and Pembe Schnee, I leave the greatest curse of all to you two... partnership. What land I have purchased in Vacuo is to be split evenly between you both, you have wasted your entire young adult lives bicking over absolutely nothing, and so I've leave you dumber-than-dumb dimwits something of consequence over which to feud over as I leave a entire vast of....boot to the head!"

*BONK* *both Jared and Pembe got hit on the head by a boot and were thrown out of the window*

*Aygül leave the room with a smirk on her face*

Ren: "And to my lawyer, Mr. Lie Ren, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head... *give a horrified shock look as he read it* but a rabid lamia-like King Taijitu who have the DNA of his decreased girlfriend Nora Valkyrie!? To be place behind him and have forceful sex with him just because I find it funny after i'm dead?!" *the Lamia Noras Taijitu appeared behind Ren* *Everyone looked "O_O!!" as Ren was being raped by them* OOOHHH!! Oh, huh huh huh huh, "and- and- and I leave my entire estate of $10 million dollars to the all of the faunus of Mantle so they can afford to move somewhere decent!"

*It stops* *Ren got up from the floor, traumaized of what happen, with various lipsticks mark and torns clothings on him while one of the Lamia Noras Taijitu is smiling in happiness while the other was smoking a cigerette*

Blake: *looking unhappy* Is that it?

Yin: *looking bored as ever* That's it?

Qrow: That's disgraceful!

*Everyone murmurs in agreement with this*

Ren: *looking like he had a enough for one day* There's one last thing for everyone.

*Everyone look terrified*

Qrow: *covering his head* Cover your heads, everybody!

Ren: "I leave a lifetime supply of ice cream."

*Everyone were confused*

Blake: *confused* Ice cream?

Qrow: *confused* Ice cream?

Yin: *confused* Ice cream... is that all?

Ren: That's all.

Penny: *confused* Well, what's flavor is it?

Ren: *the Lamia Noras Taijitu were malicious grinning as they were holding boots in their hands* Boot to the head. *the Lamia Noras Taijitu then threw many boots at everyone as they cried of surprised and pain*

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to make an fanart of this parody sketch of mine, then make your have to avatar as a special guest of honor for the meeting of the last will.


End file.
